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My truth

 What is my truth? Well, I’ll try to quantify it.
I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, had a lot, lost a lot more and gained tenfold more than I ever thought possible.
I used to believe my truth was something I could find, that it was connected to a person, a thing, a place. Uh uh. No, missy, it is NOT any of these things.
Our truth is inside of us, there from our first breath in this world.
I didn’t know this until about 3 months ago. Now that is a long fucking time to not know how to find your truth. That’s over 30 years of searching and the whole time I was looking, it was already there – you can imagine, I was a bit pissed off. Hell, I was pretty incandescent with rage and contempt for the people who never told me it was there. And I was pretty fucked off at myself too – how could I have missed it?
I’ll tell you exactly how I missed it – I had been told that this ‘hole’ I felt was meant to be filled with something else. That something was God. Yes, we’re back on this again. I’m really beginning to see how this concept is pretty damn destructive in so many ways.
I have attended several different churches in my life, this is what happens when your parents are devout. This is one of the only things I can remember about my childhood. Seriously, until I left home I can recall very little. The things that stick in my mind are these: my first day at school, twice (I attended 2 different primary schools), a boy with both his legs in braces, a teacher looking after me whilst my youngest sister was being born, another teacher asking me how to spell something when I was 10, bullies and church. There is very little else. Oh, and the house we lived in, with a lime green dining room and yellow bathroom. Anyway… 
The most prominent of these are the bullies and church. Church was, when I think about it, pretty bloody awful. I remember feeling guilty a lot of the time, and I always KNEW that I didn’t fit in right, that I was different. And the attitude of certain people, including my parents, towards the bullies was directly related to church life. You guessed it – turn the other cheek.
Who the FUCK thought that shit up! It’s basically a free pass for people to treat you like shit and you have to stand there and take it. To hell with that! Well, I can say this now, but at the time I was so scared of making a fuss that I retreated into myself. My folks knew I was unhappy, but I don’t remember them helping me to deal with this. They didn’t help me find my truth then, so I could be strong and stand up to these kids. All I remember them saying to me was ‘they’re jealous, just ignore them.’ This is the shittest advice in all the world.
I’m going to make a statement here: KIDS, DON’T PUT UP WITH BULLIES – YOU ARE AWESOME, THEY ARE RUBBISH. THEY GET OFF ON MAKING YOU FEEL CRAP TO MASK THEIR OWN FEELINGS OF CRAP-NESS. TELL SOMEONE, PLEASE! DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE, EXPOSE THEM!
OK, feel slightly better for that. But this was the mistake that I happened to suffer. My parents’ attitude to bullies caused me to suffer in silence. Even my father, who was bullied himself, simply said ‘I had it pretty shit, you just have to get on with it.’ Thanks Dad. NOT helpful.
So, basically, from the ago of about 7 until I was 18, I didn’t feel able to find any truth within myself as I was too busy keeping my head down and trying to avoid the bullies.
I’ve just this moment realised how bad this was. Why did nobody help me find my truth? I was so alone. It seemed that nobody cared. I didn’t trust anybody, let alone myself. Although, with hindsight, if I had been able to trust myself, I might have fared better. But then I didn’t have my truth, so it’s a bit irrelevant now. How much better things could have been if I was only taught how to deal with it.
I digress – no truth + church guilt = nasty bullies who made my life hell. 
Eventually I dropped out of school because of this, I had no friends left. I’d only had 3 to start with. Then I started to search for the truth which eluded me. 
 I tried various things. Went a little crazy. I now tend to flit and I am fickle. Trying to find your truth outside of yourself does not work. Believe, sister. I thought I had to FIND some outside thing that would reveal it to me. Nope. Not men or sex, not alcohol, not work, not study, not chocolate (although this is pretty good), not religion, not friends, not enemies, not success or recognition, not even having children.
Only when you learn to love yourself can you find it. I still struggle to love myself. All the years of hate and pain and loneliness poured over me, drowning me, obscuring my view – or both myself and others – suffice to make loving yourself incredibly difficult. It’s a slow and painful process to learn this. But I AM learning. Learning that I am enough, that I may be damaged but the damage has forced me to forge myself anew, into something better. I am more than the sum of my parts. I am beautiful and sexy and desirable (those 3 I’ve never put on paper until now, the thought of doing so caused me to feel sick with shame). I am NOT ashamed of who I am or where I have been, what I’ve done.
I am not whole, I’m still broken. But broken = beauty. Chaos = perfection. I love myself and I will live my truth.
 
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circle vs. spiral

At this moment I’m super annoyed as I spent the last 20 minutes writing a really great post and then my computer froze. GAH!!
I’ve been given a new opportunity in my life, to follow my dream. I’m afraid though, that I will fuck it up, that things will turn out as they always have done in the past. Basically that it will all look amazing and then BANG it’s ripped away from me.
We’re approaching Imbolc and I’m reminded of this time last year, when I went to my first ritual. Imbolc is a time of new growth. The seeds planted in the previous Autumn are starting to sprout and push above the ground.
I could view this Imbolc as being the same as last year’s, but it isn’t. Things HAVE moved on.
We often see life as a circle, because we see a lot of things working in a cycle. But a cycle is not the same as a circle. A cycle has aspects of the same process but is never the same twice. Circles tread the same ground over and over and over again, a cycle does not. In this respect, cycles are actually spiral in nature. We perceive the turning but fail to notice the subtle differences from year to year, or situation to situation.
I am guilty of this. I can be very negative and always think that history will repeat itself. But it can’t! What’s past is past. Water has flowed under the bridge we call life and we cannot go over the same path twice. We might walk parts of that path again, but NEVER do we take the exact same course. We may have to relearn lessons, in a karmic sense, but even this is not entirely circular – we learn something new each time the lesson is presented, the path changes – NOT a circle.
Spirals, by their nature, cannot go backwards, they cannot retread the same road. Spirals indicate a moving forward, ever advancing. We don’t notice this usually, so assume we are on a circle, going around and around. The only time we can see the spiral is if a massive shift occurs. Something happens to bring our viewpoint out, to see the bigger picture, only then can we truly see the pattern our life is taking.
I’m currently in a position where I need to recognise life as a spiral, not a circle. Shit has happened, but it is over and done with, it won’t happen again. I need to teach myself this, and believe this truth. Life cannot return to what it was.
Move forward.
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ummmm……

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Last night I had a really good idea of what to write, now I am a bit stuck.
I can’t remember what it was…..
Maybe I should continue on the subject from yesterday and it may come back to me. Well, possibly. My memory isn’t exactly what it used to be…..
Jeeez, this is HARD. Come on creativity, get some juice flowing!
‘In personal terms, the Judgment cards points to freedom from inner conflicts, and so clear a channel, that the buried talents and gifts of past incarnations can come through an individual in this lifetime. This card counsels you to trust the process of opening yourself, because what emerges is of consistently high quality. You can effortlessly manifest as a multi-dimensional being, and assist in evoking that response from others.’ (courtesy of http://www.tarot.com )
 
  Ahhh, there we go. This card ties in nicely with a reading I had a week ago – the result of that reading was ‘Truth’. Basically I’ve spent my whole life shying away from the truth that is me and I need to find a way to let it out. The gist was that I’ve already started the work of revealing this truth and I need to keep digging, uncovering the layers of my soul, to find my true self.
I suppose this is what I’m wanting to achieve here. This blog is serving as part diary, part heart riffing medicine, part creative outlet. Several people over the years have told me I have such a gift and I could be so much more than what I currently am. Well, I think deep down I’ve known this for a very long time, but I’ve buried it so far under layer upon layer of self-loathing and pain that I’m finding it hard to rediscover it.
I’m acutely aware that this sounds horribly conceited. It does to me, anyway. I think this, too, goes way back to my childhood, possibly even to a past life. I can’t shake the feeling that to show my true colours and REALLY be the person I’m meant to be is somehow showing off (????) because I know that I am hugely intelligent. Even just writing that makes me feel ashamed. Why should I feel ashamed that I am self-aware enough to recognise the depth of my intellect. I’ll try to really big myself up here, as I think I need to release some of this.
I am REALLY fucking clever – I don’t mean I’m a genius, but I am pretty fucking awesome. Academically I can do pretty much most things. I got mostly A grades for my GCSEs. I’m pretty smug about this compared to my sisters. Maybe the word smug is wrong, but that’s how I’ve been made to feel about it. That they didn’t get as good grades as I did, I think my parents encouraged me not to rub this in their faces. But still, the fact remains I AM cleverer than them. And I could’ve done far better in school than this, but after I was 16 my mental health kinda dived so I didn’t go further – dropped out of A-Levels etc. I think I’m cleverer than my folks too, actually. That last sentence really makes me cringe. Should a person ever be more intelligent than their forebears? Of course they bloody should, otherwise we would never advance as a species. So yes, I am PROUD to say I am bloody cleverer than my parents.
Things that I can do and that I should be proud of:
I put MYSELF through Open University so now I have a Foundation Degree in Natural Sciences – yes, I did this. I didn’t get brilliant marks, I was still not very well mentally, but I still did it and I still passed.
I made my own wedding dress without a pattern to follow – yep, people are still impressed by this 10 years later, I did the whole thing by eye, GO ME!!!
I can speak 4 languages – not fluently but it’s 3 more than everyone else I know.
I can sing – I’m not professionally trained but I’ve played to an audience more than once and been complimented for it.
That is bloody hard for me to write, as my brain box is telling me that these things aren’t so impressive. But this is what makes me ME. I can do anything I set my mind to. I could learn calculus if I wanted to – and that shit is complicated.
The things I should be most proud of though are these:
I am by far the strongest person I know, male or female (dammit, even that is hard to admit). I have given birth to 2 beautiful children and raised them alone for a time. I’ve been through hell (I won’t go into details). I’ve almost died – physically, emotionally, spiritually. And my kids are AWESOME. That is MY DOING. I can look at them and say ‘I did that.’ They are strong because I am strong. I have never acknowledged that, I’ve never written it down or spoken it out loud.
I AM STRONG.
This is my truth. And I now have a strong man who loves me with all his heart. I can only surmise that he chose me because he could see this part of me when I could not. He isn’t the kind of man to choose a weak companion for his life. He’s not the kids’ biological father, but who cares? He’s better than that. I tell the children that he is the best daddy they could have because he CHOSE to be with us. He actively CHOSE to love us. And I love him all the more for that.
He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can state that as fact. The kids are up there too, but this man truly changed my life. Many women don’t want to admit that a man can have this effect on them, or won’t allow a man to be this important. But mine deserves ALL the credit. I was alone and in a pit of deep despair and he rescued me (and the kids) from it.
As a family WE ARE AWESOME.