On learning to love oneself…

Recently I’ve been doing some work on myself. The kind where you look inside and think ‘Jeez, what a load of shit I’m carrying.’ This process hurts like hell. It’s wicked hard and takes pretty much your whole life to work this crap out.

But I’m slowly getting to a place where I love myself. This is BIG NEWS. A lot of the time I absolutely hate myself. Or HAVE hated myself, I should probably use the past tense as I don’t hate myself quite as much any more.

I’d recommend taking a look inside yourself, but only if you are prepared to face what’s in there. It’s not pretty.

Personally, my heart contains a truckload of wounds on the following topics – self hatred, unworthiness, little-girl-lost-ness, weak, small, uselessness, low self esteem, my body, my role as a wife and mother. The list goes on. And on.

This voice inside me has been chewing my ear off for as long as I can remember. It never lets up, it always has some criticism to offer. Today I have been listening to it, but have somehow managed to detach myself. The voice that once scared me is losing power.

I have realised that, most of the time, what the voice tells me is BULLSHIT. Most of the statements are, at best, only partly true.

It tells me I’m a bad mum – I’m not: My kids are happy and healthy and live with me, it is obviously not that bad.

It tells me I’m a bad wife – I’m not: Yes, sometimes I take my other half for granted and I should show him more respect, be kinder, listen better. But these things don’t make me ‘bad’.

It tells me I’m ugly – in whose opinion though? My body is not perfect, but then, who’s is? This stems from bullying during my childhood. I am not ‘ugly’. And my partner thinks I am beautiful and sexy, surely this is what counts? But then the voice tells me that he’s only saying it so I don’t get hurt. Well, this is a barefaced lie – a voice in MY head can also be the voice which comes out of HIS mouth? Ridiculousness. MY head cannot dictate HIS thoughts. So, I must accept that he thinks these things of me, he gives me no reason to doubt his honesty. Therefore, it must be true – he thinks I am beautiful.




Business Blog and upcoming eShop

spirits and steel

Hello all you lovely people. Please would you be so kind as to head over to my new site:

This is a new business set up and is still under construction. Plans afoot for lots of pretty things for you to wish you had. Perhaps someone you love will purchase a sparkly gift for you – who knows?


To retrain or not to retrain…..

This is the question I currently face.

I’m stuck in a dead end job where there is absolutely no room for progression unless I relocate. I can’t relocate, I have kids in school, a partner who earns more money than me (he would still earn more than me, even with relocating, so what’s the point), and I’ve done enough moving house for about 5 people.

I’ve moved house 7 times in the past 14 years. I really don’t want to do it again.

So, shall I be a nurse?

There are openings for support workers at the local PCT, with various hours and they will fund a degree in nursing. So, shall I do it?

My other options are:
– Stay in my part time, boring, unfulfilling retail job.
– Finish my degree in Physics (no prospects, my dream of NASA work is probably not do-able and it costs too much).
– Start a degree in counselling/psychology (which I might not be able to deal with as I have mental issues of my own, and it still costs too much)).
– Do nothing and be a burden on my long suffering boyfriend, whilst becoming old and bitter because I have no vocation.

Answers on a postcard please.


Get Hooked!

Well, I guess we’re at the end of Blogging 101 for this time around.

I’ve got behind a little, but I have been ill for pretty much the entire time it’s been running. Oh well. Over the next couple of weeks I’m going to be organising myself a little better.

Hopefully I’m over the worst of whatever health issues have been plaguing me, so I’ve got until the 23rd of this month before the kids are off school for half term. Then the shit really starts as EVERYONE in my house has a birthday between now and Christmas. I think I may just cancel it. Far too much capitalism, not enough love.

Anyway, I’m thinking of developing a feature of regularity. I didn’t mean to type it like that, but my words are all muddled in my head today. The rain is seeping in…..

Will probably be womens’ stuff based, with some jewellery and sparkliness in there too. Will be 2-3 times a week I think.

I’m also going to attempt NaNoWriMo,
JOIN IN the fun!!!


Community Spirit

Yesterday I looked at this blog. The reason I found it interesting was that I have very little knowledge of any country east of, well, the UK.

My horizons are pretty small. I’ve visited Europe a bunch of times but never anywhere near this exotic. Sicily is the farthest I’ve been from home. And that’s pretty awesome.

I like the fact that this is a journal and a collection of poems at the same time. I like the way Babe writes, not traditional style. Normally I dislike poetry so this is a big PLUS for me!

Check it out 🙂


Today is the day


Today, a poem:


pity me

i dare you.

look upon me

see my soul

bared, stripped,


once damaged eyes

survey beauty where

once lay


adoration of times past

serves all but


a view over our shoulder –




shameful in your shamelessness.

your subjective keyhole

eyes see things


end over end over end –

this spinning must cease.

back and forth,

around and around,

for what?

forever undoable, that

tragic day:

for you – shackles.

for me – wings.

those blinded, blinkered, blackened

souls you carry,

still chest deep in


forever unknowing

of my joy.


Blogging 101 September 2014 – Day 2

Obviously you can see my blog title. It describes me and my life ethic perfectly.

I am hugely spiritual, always have been. I’m into the Occult big time, although this was denied me as a child. Now I’m grown I embrace it wholeheartedly. Like I said yesterday, I am Pagan and practice as a witch. I celebrate the Wheel of the Year and am in love with the Moon. She is awesome.

So, that’s the spirit part of it.

The steel is for my character. I don’t take any shit. I am super hardened by life’s cruelty. A lot of pretty bad stuff has happened in my life. I’m hesitant to say that these things have happened TO me, as I don’t think this is the right phrase. It denotes a lack of control. Well, I’ve taken control of the things in my life that went crazy-bad and I am far stronger for it.

So, that’s me: Spirits & Steel.


Little Old Me :) Blogging 101 September 2014 – Day 1

Well, this is me doing a little Zero to Hero intro – for the second time because I ballsed it up the first time


Hi there, my name is Jo. I live in Somerset, UK with my partner and our 2 gorgeous kids. Currently I’m a stay at home mum. I am mental. I have so many fingers in so many pies that I’ve lost count. I’ll give anything a go! I’m into art, music, film, writing, reading (never enough time for this) and practice as a witch – yes I really do. Namaste.


I’ve been trying to write a blog for bloody YEARS now. I’ll make a start and for the first week it’ll be cool – I’ll post every day, then week 2 comes along and it’s maybe every other day. Week 3 is only once, twice if I can be arsed. By week 4 I will have forgotten completely, or something else has come up and I don’t have time.


Well, this time I don’t want that to happen, I’m doing the challenge and hoping to see it through. I’m writing here in addition to my personal journal at home, just to help me get my ideas out and am looking to write an ACTUAL book at some point. I’ve been saying this since I was about 14. I’ve got so many ideas and snippets of story I don’t know what to do with them. So, I’ll pretty much write whatever comes into my head. Would love to get to know some kindred spirits along this journey.


If I make it through the challenge I’m going to sit down and write this damn book!