http://www.tarot.com ) Ahhh, there we go. This card ties in nicely with a reading I had a week ago – the result of that reading was ‘Truth’. Basically I’ve spent my whole life shying away from the truth that is me and I need to find a way to let it out. The gist was that I’ve already started the work of revealing this truth and I need to keep digging, uncovering the layers of my soul, to find my true self. I suppose this is what I’m wanting to achieve here. This blog is serving as part diary, part heart riffing medicine, part creative outlet. Several people over the years have told me I have such a gift and I could be so much more than what I currently am. Well, I think deep down I’ve known this for a very long time, but I’ve buried it so far under layer upon layer of self-loathing and pain that I’m finding it hard to rediscover it. I’m acutely aware that this sounds horribly conceited. It does to me, anyway. I think this, too, goes way back to my childhood, possibly even to a past life. I can’t shake the feeling that to show my true colours and REALLY be the person I’m meant to be is somehow showing off (????) because I know that I am hugely intelligent. Even just writing that makes me feel ashamed. Why should I feel ashamed that I am self-aware enough to recognise the depth of my intellect. I’ll try to really big myself up here, as I think I need to release some of this. I am REALLY fucking clever – I don’t mean I’m a genius, but I am pretty fucking awesome. Academically I can do pretty much most things. I got mostly A grades for my GCSEs. I’m pretty smug about this compared to my sisters. Maybe the word smug is wrong, but that’s how I’ve been made to feel about it. That they didn’t get as good grades as I did, I think my parents encouraged me not to rub this in their faces. But still, the fact remains I AM cleverer than them. And I could’ve done far better in school than this, but after I was 16 my mental health kinda dived so I didn’t go further – dropped out of A-Levels etc. I think I’m cleverer than my folks too, actually. That last sentence really makes me cringe. Should a person ever be more intelligent than their forebears? Of course they bloody should, otherwise we would never advance as a species. So yes, I am PROUD to say I am bloody cleverer than my parents. Things that I can do and that I should be proud of: I put MYSELF through Open University so now I have a Foundation Degree in Natural Sciences – yes, I did this. I didn’t get brilliant marks, I was still not very well mentally, but I still did it and I still passed. I made my own wedding dress without a pattern to follow – yep, people are still impressed by this 10 years later, I did the whole thing by eye, GO ME!!! I can speak 4 languages – not fluently but it’s 3 more than everyone else I know. I can sing – I’m not professionally trained but I’ve played to an audience more than once and been complimented for it. That is bloody hard for me to write, as my brain box is telling me that these things aren’t so impressive. But this is what makes me ME. I can do anything I set my mind to. I could learn calculus if I wanted to – and that shit is complicated. The things I should be most proud of though are these: I am by far the strongest person I know, male or female (dammit, even that is hard to admit). I have given birth to 2 beautiful children and raised them alone for a time. I’ve been through hell (I won’t go into details). I’ve almost died – physically, emotionally, spiritually. And my kids are AWESOME. That is MY DOING. I can look at them and say ‘I did that.’ They are strong because I am strong. I have never acknowledged that, I’ve never written it down or spoken it out loud. I AM STRONG. This is my truth. And I now have a strong man who loves me with all his heart. I can only surmise that he chose me because he could see this part of me when I could not. He isn’t the kind of man to choose a weak companion for his life. He’s not the kids’ biological father, but who cares? He’s better than that. I tell the children that he is the best daddy they could have because he CHOSE to be with us. He actively CHOSE to love us. And I love him all the more for that. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can state that as fact. The kids are up there too, but this man truly changed my life. Many women don’t want to admit that a man can have this effect on them, or won’t allow a man to be this important. But mine deserves ALL the credit. I was alone and in a pit of deep despair and he rescued me (and the kids) from it. As a family WE ARE AWESOME.